So a lot has changed for me recently. In fact, everything has changed for me. Absolutely everything is different and new, and it's scary, it really is.

Right now I'm sitting in my room, which I REALLY need to tidy, in between lectures. I was up early this morning for a 9am philosophy tutorial, then I came BACK to Pollock and did some reading for English before my tutorial at 12.10pm. Then I came back and had lunch and now I'm here... I'm here because I need to keep busy, or I'll fall asleep. At 4.10pm, I have a Scottish Studies lecture and then finally the day will be finished and I can come back and sleep and talk to Stephen and tidy my freakin' room!

I really don't know what I wanted to say here. I like it here, most of the time. I like Edinburgh, even with its cold winds and long uphill walks. I like my classes... although philosophy has had me wanting to shove 'Meno' up Plato's ass. It gets tiresome, seeing what the dead guys have to say about life. I like English Lit and the fact I just get to READ all the time! I like Scottish Studies and the sense of national pride it gives me... I like Scotland full stop! I like Niamh, and the fact we think the same way on so many things and that we're both (just!) surviving life here thanks to each other. However, I can't decide whether I like Pollock or not.

Nearly everyone at Pollock Halls is rich, privately educated and beautiful. This isn't an exaggeration. It's also home to loads of foreign students, which is pretty weird. You go down to breakfast and here people speaking Chinese, or people ask you stuff in all sorts of American accents. Most of my Scottish Studies class is made up of Americans here for the semester. But, it's very intimidating living here. People are not only wealthy, but confident too... and if you're not wealthy or confident it's easy to get scared. That's why it's great that I have Niamh- we're both down-to-earth Scots lassies! I keep saying that there I'm never going to live somewhere like here ever again, so I think I need to make the most of it. Through the good and bad times, I always end up thinking 'I've only got a year here.' Then I'll have to cook for myself!

It's easy to get lost here too... sometimes I feel really, really lonely.

There are things I miss from back home and my old life. Lots of them. I miss going to the Pancake Place with Chris and neither of us finishing our food. I miss talking about Donne with Sarah. I miss having a decent internet connection (fuck you keycom!). I miss drunken nights out at Jaks with Ben. I miss going downstairs late at night and sitting with my dad and Milly. I miss the Forum, and the Sinking City! I miss long chats on MSN with Emo. I miss drinking tea with my mum when she came home from work. I miss ironing, Scrubs, Sims, my own bed, Sunday lunch, lying in bed talking about life, then going out and living it. I miss Yorkshire and hate the fact I can't go this year. I miss living in my head all the time. I miss Stephen. I really miss Stephen.

I don't know what the purpose of this was, and I doubt anyone's actually reading this. I can't come to any real conclusion about how things are from here. They just... are. I'm just living, existing. And I'm going to continue doing this.

I have to admit that this new life isn't exactly what I expected. I've never really fit in anywhere so far in life, and I thought that being at university would mean I'd find a little place to slot in. But... I really can't see that happening. I don't know if I belong anywhere.

Catriona.
(Mood thing is broken btw.)